It's been awhile since I've written in here,updating on things and not just poems.
Things are... different. Words carry more power and memories carry less weight.
I am still working with Mother Ayahuasca, not as much as I would like to, but definitely enough to work out some huuuuge realizations about myself and my life. It's a long road to self love, but the medicine has helped me get through some of the deepest shit I have ever had to deal with. I am learning how to become a better me because of it. I am starting to catch myself in bad habits as they're happening and not just in hindsight. And sometimes- SOMETIMES- I can catch myself in time to stop what I'm doing. And if you're anything like me, then you know that's huge. I have had three ceremonies, and I am absolutely planning on one more before I leave for the summer.
Because I am leaving for the summer.
I got a seasonal job in Hollywood from June through August. I will be crashing on a friend's couch. I will be living in Los Angeles, right down the street from my Charlie (Momma's home, boo. Momma's home). My beautiful nugget child will be spending three weeks with my family in Kentucky and also going to Disney World with her grandma. Then her dad and stepmom have agreed to pull full-time duty while I am finishing the summer up in Hollywood. A friend of mine is going to live in my apartment and pay utilities and watch my dog. I'll pay my rent from California and move back into my place once I'm done. My new(ish) restaurant job, the one that I love SO much, slows down in the summer, so they are letting me leave and then return once school starts and we get busy again. It's like a dream.
This is a big-time adventure.
I keep stepping back and watching how everything is lining up and everyone is pulling together to make this happen and I cry regularly out of gratitude. The plane tickets have been paid for. The reservations have been made. The paperwork is being filed.
After last summer and the low blows that the winter dealt me, this all is like a goddamned fairy tale. I tell myself I deserve it, and while I want to, I can't believe it. But I'm working at it and I know that deep down I should know that I deserve it. "It's all ceremony". Since I started researching Ayahuasca, I heard this phrase over and over by people who had worked with the medicine. And I had no idea how true and profound that statement would prove to be. The ups and downs and love and surrender and fear and purging. It's all symbolic for the stuff in our everyday lives. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all right now. But that's what it is. All of this figuring out who we are and what we do and what all of this is. Because that's all any of us are really doing, right?
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