for my dad

I built an alter for my father tonight
I prayed for mercy on his shattered soul
little pieces of him everywhere
still crying from the traumatic separation.

I lit an incense cone and inhaled the sweet smoke
and it reminded me of the time he took me to the Paisley Peacock
we bought sticks that smelled like sandalwood
and vinyl bumper stickers with political statements that I halfway understood
he was so proud of his liberal daughter
that he was so sure was a closet lesbian


I burned a candle for his tortured mind
that was just recently diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
and it reminded me of the Christmas program in first grade
The first time I ever sang a solo
I was nervous about carrying an open flame to the front of the church
so sure it would burn me, no matter how many times the preacher told me it was safe
until my father the firefighter promised that he would be there to help

I set some crystals under the full moon for him
I let them charge under the yellow light and remembered the time he picked me up from work
he took the long way home
he slowed the car down and pulled out a joint
and we smoked weed together for the first time, driving down dark country roads
yellow headlights bouncing between black trees
before I moved out of state
before I cut him out of my life completely

I  knelt at the alter and sent out a prayer into the unknown
It reminded me of this past October
when I was recovering from a depression-ladled summer
when I wrote seven drafts of a letter
then gave the eighth to my grandmother, to give to my father
if she ever saw him again
if he was even still alive

I went back to my life
I was stretched thin and beginning to tear
it was the Christmas I was making minimum wage
struggling to find balance and healing in the desert
unsure of how I was going to feed my daughter after I paid the rent
when a card came in the mail, a response to the letter my grandmother had handed him
at the shelter where he was staying after spending years on the street
My father, who didn't even have his own home, bought us groceries that winter

I built an alter for myself that night
I set the intention to break the habits I had created from my relationship with my father
which carried over to every man I have ever held
I burned candles and incense and bathed my crystals in the moonlight
I acknowledged the same blood that runs through the two of us
I apologized
I forgave

and I thanked him for all he had passed on to me