Everything.
It's amazing to look back now and to see the effect that surgery would have on every other aspect of my life. I went into kidney donation thinking I was doing something to help change a stranger's life, and while I'm sure that I did accomplish that, I will admit that I was completely unprepared for the change it would bring about in my own life.
Nothing is the same.
NOTHING.
New home, new job, new car, new diet, new medicines, new freedom, new plans, new adventures, new friends, new stories, new priorities, new outlooks, new books, new life.
And I can trace it all back the one spirit journey, riding the Mission Beach roller coaster at midnight two summers ago during Comic Con. Things in my life were alright. I was married to a nice guy, we lived in a cute house in Phoenix, and I was out of hair school and working in a salon that I really liked. Everything was...fine? So why did I feel so lost and restless? I had everything I had told myself that I wanted. I didn't know what my next step should be, and it was starting to drive me crazy. So I rode the roller coaster at midnight. I sat by the ocean. And a few days later, while sitting at Dairy Queen with my daughter, it just hit me: I was going to donate a kidney. It was something that I was going to do. Simple as that.
Then it was a whirlwind of testing and obsessing before it actually happened on December 1st. Once those lines were cut, once I woke up in that hospital bed, I felt so... free. I saw my life for the gift it was. For what it still is. It's my life! It's mine to live and it's up to me to spend energy on the things that I love. It doesn't matter what I've been told is the right way to live. It doesn't matter what I think I'm supposed to be doing at my age. It doesn't matter that nothing is terrible and that everything is fine. It's not fine. I learned the hard way that if I don't stay true to myself, I will feel trapped and stagnant. I will spend my time wondering what's wrong with me, trying to figure out why I'm unhappy when everything should be great.
BUT... if I follow the opportunities that make me feel love, I will be shown even more opportunities. And even if times get hard, even if I run out of money, even if I feel like I'm going crazy....I will not feel trapped. I will have an infinite amount of opportunities in front of me. I will be free.
That's what happened when I donated the kidney. I saw through the bullshit that I had been feeding myself for years. I saw what I needed to do. I accepted that I didn't want the things that I once thought I wanted. I took a chance. Then I took more. It wasn't always easy. It's still not. But it is my life. And it's a beautiful, scary, fantastic life. And I am living it so much harder now with more adventure, more openness, more honesty, and with one kidney.
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