October 2, 2014
Everything
I’ve experienced in this process has felt really good until now. It’s not that I’m having second thoughts or
anything like that. It’s just the
opposite. I wish I could figure out a
way to grow more kidneys so that I could donate to more people.
Two
nights ago, my friend Stacey tagged me on a post on facebook. One of her friends back east, Becky, needs a kidney
and is reaching out for a donor online.
It’s not uncommon; since I’ve started this journey, I’ve seen countless
facebook pages for people like her. It’s
heartbreaking, and it made me firm in my decision to donate anonymously. I could easily go through and pick a
recipient that I thought was most like myself.
Or I could try to find someone who was the complete opposite. I could make a list of people and pick one at
random. But no matter what, someone
would lose out. Until now, I have had no
control over that. My only
responsibility has been to stay healthy and willing to donate.
It’s
really cool that Stacey tagged me, by the way.
She saw her friend in need and knew that I was giving a kidney. It makes perfect sense, and that is how so
many transplants happen now- via social media.
I began talking to Becky online and then via text. She is so great. She’s funny, she’s into puppets, totally a
person I would be friends with. She’s on
dialysis and losing feeling in her legs.
I could call Mayo and tell them to stop the chain so I could donate to
her. I felt so torn. Is telling one person yes and a whole chain
of people no okay because there’s a face and a voice to that one person? Would any of these people fault me if they
knew I was saying no to them? But they
wouldn’t know…
In the end, I had to text her and tell her I couldn’t be her
donor. Her hospital wants me to fly to
Florida for three weeks, and I don’t want to recover without my friends and
family close by. She understands. But it has to hurt. She has had two other possible donors back
out already. I wish I could do
something. I feel like I have so much
power to help people, yet for so many others I am helpless. I’m doing the best I can right now, for a
stranger. And hopefully soon, a stranger
could come through for Becky.
I just don’t get it sometimes. I understand that this is a big weird thing
that I’m doing. I know that the majority
of people couldn’t do it even if they wanted to, due to the testing. But surely SOME people could do it. I’m not upset with anyone in particular. The people I know are not selfish or mean. They all help out with things that are
important to them. They all are giving
so much already. They inspire me do
things like this in the first damned place.
I guess it just hurts to be able to help someone and to leave so many
others in pain. It’s not an easy feeling
to put into words…
This is the link to Becky's search for a kidney. Please watch, share, and do what you feel you can to help. She is amazing.
October 15, 2014
I’m an emotional wreck (in a good way, I think?). It’s not surprising. My whole world right now revolves around
kidneys. I have this huge cloud around
my head most of the time, but it’s not like a depressed rain cloud. It’s more of a storm of “How amazing and
magnificent it is that I was born at all!”
It’s reminding me how big and beautiful the world is, whether I’m in a
good mood or not. Big bolts of lightning
hit my brain like, “LOOK AT THAT GODDAMN MOUNTAIN! IT’S SO FUCKING GORGEOUS!”
My “joygasms” still come pretty frequently, and they hit
very hard. I’m pushing back tears almost
daily. Last night, Cami and I sat around
and played Uno and Candyland. Then she pulled
out her karaoke machine and sang. I had
to run to the bathroom so she wouldn’t see me cry.
I don’t think this surgery puts me in great danger. I’m not afraid of it. But this experience is showing me how
beautiful life can be. These people on
dialysis every day, they’re working to stay alive and fighting so they can
discover as much of this world that they can. It’s inspiring. And it reminds me that I will die. And when I do, I hope Cami remembers nights
like last night.
I’ve had a great
life. I don’t want it to be over. I want to meet as many people as I can. I want to hear their stories, and I want to
share mine, and I want to feel as many types of love as a human can possibly
feel. I want to try a million new tastes
and smell the rain in Japan, and I want to honestly say that I know how black
holes work.
But if
I don’t get to do any of those things, if I die right now, I will fade out of
this world knowing I did all I could and loved as much and as hard as I knew
how. And I am so happy with where it got
me.
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