Back in the Groove

Oh, dieta, here we are again.

I've been back from Hollywood for over a month now.  I'm back to my job and my kid and my dog and the desert.  It feels good to be back, at least for now.  I wasn't expecting that at all, to be honest.  I was gone for three months, which, as it turns out, is the amount of time it takes me to REALLY miss my family and having a place of my own.   By the end of it, I was looking at photos of my apartment almost as often as I was looking at photos of my daughter. 

I miss lots of things about LA.  The lack of responsibilities was altogether new to me, and while I didn't party like a rock star, I got to do a lot of whatever I felt like doing at the time.  A lot of what I felt like doing was getting crazy stoned and taking iPhone photos of Hollywood.  I also got to spend hours binge-watching Community with my temporary roommate (and permanent friend), Alex.  I couldn't have asked for a better host, especially in a tiny one-bedroom LA apartment.  It gave me a lesson in living with somebody.  When I was at the end of my marriage, I felt like I could never live with anyone ever again (not counting the kid and the dog, obviously), so giving up my apartment for a fold-out couch and a shelf in the bathroom was like flipping my world on its end.  By the end of the summer, Alex and I were still friends, even better friends, I'd say, than we started.  We dealt with our fair share of heat waves, food poisoning, depressive episodes, and cramped quarters with flying colors.  That said, I was definitely ready to have my multi-colored incense-filled Sophie space back.


I got to spend time with my Charlie, the first real time spent with him in three years.  It makes my stomach tighten up even thinking about how I have to live apart from him again, so I won't talk a lot about it.  He's the only male that I have let into my life that I can still trust not to break my heart, and we are gonna wind up retiring by the sea like Grace and Frankie.  It's less of a cruel joke and more of a hilarious plot twist that my soulmate is a sassy, video game playing gay man. 


Other than that... this summer is almost over, and it is time to direct my attention back to the present.  At this time, I am at the tail end of Ayahuasca dieta.  This is always the hardest part- giving up the things I love to eat (and smoke) for weeks to prepare for ceremony.   Upon returning from Hollywood, I felt the need to take my medicine.  I will sit in sacred circle this Saturday, and I will meet with Mother again.  She's been sending me blatant signs and synchronicities, and I am excited and terrified to see what is in store, especially after the ego death I experienced on mushrooms last June.  That was my last entheogenic experience, and I was processing it for months. These psychedelic experiences have taken me down rabbit holes within rabbit holes, and I am discovering more about myself and this planet every time I journey.  I feel less like a human, especially with the state of humanity at the moment.  But I know that I had to come here, for reasons that were explained to me last October.  And being human isn't all bad.  There is a lot of beauty in it, even when it's painful.  And the fact that it's temporary leaves it more poetic and silly than it is heartbreaking. 

I don't know what is next, and that usually leaves me feeling restless.  But I'm not.  At least, not yet.  

Photo by stoned Sophie on her iPhone 

 

Prepare for Landing

Tomorrow is my last full day in Los Angeles for the summer.  Saturday afternoon, I will leave behind the couch, the job, the friends, the beach, the cult, the metro, and the delivery froyo at midnight. 

It's kind of like I got to peek into an alternate universe where I got to see what my life would have been like if I didn't have the responsibilities of a daughter or a dog.  Part of me was scared that I was going to go crazy without having the two of them around.  They take up such a huge portion of my brain, my attention, and my anxiety.  But also... part of me was scared that  I wasn't going to miss them at all, exposing me for the irresponsible parent that I (deep down) assume I am.  What if I felt a new freedom in Hollywood that made me resent my life in the desert and the choices I'd made to get there?  What if I found out that I like my life better without them?  Just the idea of that, the fact that it was an option, made me feel guilty.

So what happened?  Do I miss my family enough to never want to leave again?  Or do I want to write off everything and spend my life selling handmade bracelets on the beach?

Ugh, if only it were that simple.
This is a pattern I keep finding myself in.  I see the possible outcomes in black and white, even though neither of the answers seem to be correct.  I go crazy trying to figure out which one of the options is the right one for me. I roll them around in my head until I finally see the gray area where the truth lives.  That line right in the middle of the yin yang, that Terence McKenna sweet spot, that is where I am truly honest about it all. 

I want to see my kid.  I want to hold her and pull tangles out of her hair and smell her stinky feet.  I want to squish my dog until he gets aggravated and goes to his spot on the arm of the couch.  I appreciate these things now like I never have before.  I know that I can miss my family so much that I feel physical pain.  I know that I am not a shitty parent and that I am connected to them on a deeper level than I knew before. 

I also know that I can leave the things and the people I love for long amounts of time.  I am not afraid of it.  It isn't always easy, but I am adaptable and capable, and that is a really nice thing to find out about myself.  I love California.  I always have.  And living here, even for a bit, was fantastic.  Well, it wasn't quite living here, but it was more than a vacation. 

Tomorrow I will pack up my bags.  I will say goodbye to the ocean.  I will cry buckets of tears for my Charlie.  And on Saturday, I will go back to my own place.  And I will integrate back into the world I am used to with all of the new information I've collected on this adventure.  I will reunite with friends that I've missed terribly and at the same time, I will miss the people I spent time with here. 

I have discovered that I can be happy in alternate versions of my universe.  And I can also be sad at the same time.  Because that is what life is, regardless of where I am or who I am with.

At the end of the day, which one do I want?  Do I want life here or there?

I want both.  I want to have everyone and everything I love in one place.
Since that isn't a possibility... I will just have to fall in love with even more people, explore more places, find new stories.

All of that.
Once I've unpacked and taken a nap with my daughter and my pug.

Erleichda

I really wanted to start off this entry with a story about my third Ayahuasca ceremony.  But I feel like every post for the past year has mentioned Mama Aya, and at this point, I'm sure you're all sick of it.  So for your sake, for my sake, and for the blog's sake, I will spare you another cryptic story of my psychedelic brain soup.  But just know that everything I'm experiencing in my daily life right now, it's parallel to that Easter ceremony.  Just know, everything is connected.  I'm learning the same lessons over and over, taking more in each time.  It's like emotional Algebra.  Ceremony was 101.  This summer is 102.  And so on.

I have this thing, I'm...busy.  I always have to be doing something.  It's this constant need to be working at something.  If I had one true calling, one passion, one art form or skill that I could really focus my energy on, this would be great.  But I don't.  I throw myself into one thing after another, in this obsessive cycle of whatever is next.  If you know me (which, if you're reading this, you probably do) you're probably just rolling your eyes because this is no new revelation.  It's textbook me.  If it's not one thing it's another.  If it's not stand up comedy, it's a plant-based diet.  If it's not donating a kidney, it's Peruvian plant medicines.  It's rearranging the lives of the people around me so I can spend a summer in Hollywood. 

I don't hate that this is the way I am.  I used to.  I used to beat myself up a lot for not buckling down and focusing instead of flying from task to task like a hummingbird on Adderall.  But that's not the way I am programmed.  Every time I try to stick it out, I become miserable.  I don't have a competitive spirit.  I have a lot of different interests.  And these things are okay.  There's a really good TED Talks that covers this, a lot more eloquently than I can. 

On the other hand, I do realize that even though it's not in my nature to throw myself into one project or cause for more than a few years, I also need to give myself time to have fun, to be still, and to process these lessons as I learn them.  It's hard for me to stay present when I am constantly asking myself, what's next?  Over the summer, I've found myself focusing about wanting to move to Hollywood for good.  I focus on finding a roommate and a work schedule so my daughter can be here with me. I focus on what I'm going to do in Arizona if I don't move here once my lease is up.  And then there is all this work I am doing on myself.  I've been dabbling on the idea of giving myself a year to live.  Not literally of course, but spending one full year living as if it were my last.  I was introduced to the practice a couple of years ago, and I've been reading up on it.  It is something that I definitely want to do in the future, but it's something that I really want to put my all into, and maybe this summer isn't the time for me to do that...


It's balance, and for me, it's really slippery.  My curiosity is one of the things I love the most about myself, and without having something to throw myself into, I become sad and complacent.  There is so much to do, and I've got so far to go.  But if I keep so busy that I don't take time to smell the roses and appreciate what I have and how far I've come,  I build up all of this emotional residue that builds up and creates problems later. 

*sigh*

What's a girl to do?

At the moment, I'm not making ANY plans to move or to not move.  I'm honoring the thoughts around them, but I'm not going to set anything into motion yet.  And I am going to try to live mindfully, for sure, but maybe I'll give myself a proverbial year to live sometime after this summer.  I have one month left in Hollywood.  I have three days left until my birthday.  And while I know that I have a lot of decisions to make and a lot of work to do...maybe I spend my days taking care of myself and doing things I enjoy, because I'm starting to believe that is why I came here. 

With all of this, I will say that I have done a LOT of amazing stuff these past two months, even with all of this internal conflict...

I've seen movies in the park
I've eaten a LOT
I've started doing yoga (almost) daily
I've learned to live with way less shit
I made some friends
I walk EVERYWHERE
I saw fireworks on the beach
I've been on hikes
I ate some ice cream
I went to the Science Center and saw the Endeavor
I joined a cult started by a former teen heart throb
I worked
I rode some roller coasters
Griffith Observatory
Harmontown
More ice cream
Flea Markets
UCB shows



It's been amazing.  It will continue to be amazing.  And right now, that is enough.  And I truly do feel that it is, despite what the Adderall-ridden hummingbird leads me to believe.  Right now it's balance, the same lesson learned over and over again. 
It's remembering to have fun because while doing the work is good, I have to take it easy, too.  I can't love someone that I don't have fun with, and that includes myself.

I'm going to set my intention right now for gratitude and not taking things too damned seriously. I hope you're having a fantastic day, and I hope you find silliness and joy where you can. Namaste, homies.

 

Tiny worlds on tiny backs

The world is a heavy place right now.  My heart hurts for humanity.  The tension is thick, and while I'm an optimist, I will admit that the present is an uncomfortable place to be sometimes. 

I had a mushroom journey before I left for Hollywood, and less than an hour into it, I was shoved headfirst into the icy waters of ego death.  I was raped by the land itself, I peed myself and once I noticed that my crotch was wet, I was convinced that it was because I had just given birth to the Earth's rape baby.  And I loved and was proud of my baby.   It was green and abundant and self-sufficient.  Then it grew to become fake and sugary sweet with loops of cartoon politician faces, and I mourned for my baby and had to love it through its darkness. 

So, yeah, that's kinda where I'm at.


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But here in my little Sophie bubble, life in Los Angeles goes on at life speed, which seems to be faster than usual.  This summer is halfway over and what the fuck?

I love it here.  Living is very different than back in Arizona, and not just because I am living on a couch.  I don't have a car out here, so I walk and take the metro during the day.  I uber at night.  So I had to buy a backpack.  I didn't want to at first; I had this cute vintage one-shoulder travelling bag that I was going to use.  But it was stiff and it hurt my back, so I gave in and now I dance around the city with the fashion sense of a 12-year-old.  Slay.

Here she is, in all her glory, along with all of the important things that I've learned to carry with me.

Here's a list of what I'm slugging around the town with me:

* Work apron
* Reusable grocery bag- the most important thing to remember.  It holds food, laundry, dirty shoes, craft supplies, and anything that is too big to fit into the backpack.  It is the thing I forget to pack the most often and it drives me crazy.
* Book
* Journal - holds my deepest secrets, ukulele tabs, ticket stubs, receipts, and D&D character sheets
* Headphones
* Glue stick - to paste shit into my journal
* Sunglasses
*Giant safety pin
* Makeup remover wipes
* Hormone pills - taken daily since I had a hysterectomy a few years ago
* Atmos vape pen - I am out of refills for it and it bums me out.
* One-hitter box with weed- since the vape is out.  My rule of thumb is to have it with me but to never carry more than I am willing to eat if I need to do so.
* Phone charger for wall and car
* Matches - I always carry means to make fire because Silent Hill.
* TAP card
* Combination Lock
* Big-ass knife
* Wallet- has my ID, debit card, loose change and a little bit o' cash. 
* Pens and markers
* Keys
* Sunblock
* Eye Drops
* Front Bottoms lighter
* Chapstick
* Tiny rainbow rock - I don't ever really look up my crystals and rocks.  I just like having them with me, and I kind of trade them out periodically.  I just kinda feel out which ones want to go with me that day.
* "Brief Case" full of cheap makeup - when I don't know for sure where I'll be or what kind of plans may come up, I have become a makeup Macgyver.  Tinted chapstick as lip, a blush and an eyeshadow?  I'll fucking do it.

Not pictured: Chewing gum (because I'm out) and my reusable water bottle (because I left it at Sam's house)

on my way there

So far today, I've spoken to a homeless person about Sean Murphy comics, I walked by what seemed to be an unsettling amount of dried blood on the sidewalk, and an older Mexican woman told me I looked "fresh".  This was all on my 15-minute walk to the grocery store.  Oh, Hollywood. 

Sometimes I catch myself feeling frustrated that I haven't explored more of this city by now. But I started my job this week (just as I ran out of money), and once I get in the groove of working and saving again, I will be able to afford more adventures around town.

Working is making me feel more like a local, even though deep down I still feel like I'm on vacation. I don't know if that will ever go away. I get stopped by people on the street all the time for directions or opinions about places in the city. Everyone here just assumes I have always been here. Maybe a part of me always has.

Even though it's just to the grocery, I really like my walks. I make playlists and dance my way to the store and the subway. And I mean that literally. Even though I can't really dance, Los Angeles doesn't give a shit. Sometimes I think it even dances along with me (I don't mean that literally).

Here's a link to my city-walking playlist.

https://open.spotify.com/user/sophiaradcliff/playlist/31ElSXMNlcnYxlbbP8uxxu

(Spoiler alert)

It's lame like all of my playlists. But there's something kind of romantic about the idea of all of us walking around our respective sidewalks listening to the same thing. Even if it's lame.

 

 

 

This is Happening

Holy shit, I'm in Los Angeles for the summer.

It doesn't feel like it, mostly because I've barely left the apartment.  Or the couch.  I got hit hard with what was either food poisoning or a stomach virus.  Either way, it was gnarly.  I won't go into details, but I will say that I was very happy when I woke up this morning and could stand on my feet long enough to brush my teeth.  It was that kind of party yesterday.


I got here with a bang.  I went to Disneyland for the first time as soon as we got to California.  As much as I would like to hate on commercialism and the superficial veil of bullshit that is used to cover up real evil, I have to say... Disneyland is pretty magical. It changes you into a little kid again.  It really does.  I bought Mickey Mouse ears with my name on them.  I rode Space Mountain.  I had one of the best days of my life.  I don't know how people take children there, though.  Jesus Christ.


I say all of that, but I really do miss my kid.  She has been back east visiting my family since May, and while I'm really excited that she's having an amazing summer, I can't help but feel like part of my heart is missing.  The FaceTime calls and the photos are always nice, though.  She has been to Orlando, she's seen movies, she's met family, she's been swimming.  She's on her own adventure, just like I'm on mine.  She really is a good kid, and she deserves this vacation.


It's definitely different, living on someone's couch and not in my own apartment.  For the past year and a half, I've lived on my own (with the kid and dog, but still...), and that meant that everything was up to me- where my stuff went, when my stuff got cleaned, how my stuff got moved around.  It was hard for me to take time to relax, I'll admit, when I had dishes or laundry or a dusty bookshelf that needed cleaning.  I didn't write as much.  I didn't have time to read.  Don't get me wrong, I love my house projects.  Painting the trim or the doors of my apartment really is fun for me, and there is something really comforting about coming home to a place that looks and feels like me.  I'm sure I'll miss it a lot this summer.  But for now, all of my stuff fits in two duffel bags in the closet and one shelf in the bathroom. It's forcing me to spend time on other stuff.  Like blogging.  Or adventuring, once I am sure that I can make it down the street without vomiting. 

I start work on the 14th.  I'm scared of being broke, but that is nothing new to me after last winter.  I'm probably going to start exploring the city tomorrow.  I need to make my way to the ocean soon.  Once I get my bearings and can figure out the metro system here, that will be much easier. 

I'm trying to find my intention for this trip.  Is there anything I need to take away from it?  Or am I really just out here to escape the heat?  It's hard for me to set intentions without having expectations.  What matters in the present is that I'm feeling better than I was yesterday.  And I'm writing and reading again.  Maybe the intention will come to me, maybe it won't.  Maybe this will be an adventure for the sake of having an adventure.  And those are okay, too.

Adventure over everything

It's All Ceremony (and also, big summer plans ahead)

It's been awhile since I've written in here,updating on things and not just poems. 


Things are... different.  Words carry more power and memories carry less weight. 

I am still working with Mother Ayahuasca, not as much as I would like to, but definitely enough to work out some huuuuge realizations about myself and my life.  It's a long road to self love, but the medicine has helped me get through some of the deepest shit I have ever had to deal with.  I am learning how to become a better me because of it.  I am starting to catch myself in bad habits as they're happening and not just in hindsight.   And sometimes- SOMETIMES- I can catch myself in time to stop what I'm doing.  And if you're anything like me, then you know that's huge.  I have had three ceremonies, and I am absolutely planning on one more before I leave for the summer.

Because I am leaving for the summer.

 I got a seasonal job in Hollywood from June through August.  I will be crashing on a friend's couch.  I will be living in Los Angeles, right down the street from my Charlie (Momma's home, boo.  Momma's home).  My beautiful nugget child will be spending three weeks with my family in Kentucky and also going to Disney World with her grandma.  Then her dad and stepmom have agreed to pull full-time duty while I am finishing the summer up in Hollywood.  A friend of mine is going to live in my apartment and pay utilities and watch my dog.  I'll pay my rent from California and move back into my place once I'm done.  My new(ish) restaurant job, the one that I love SO much, slows down in the summer, so they are letting me leave and then return once school starts and we get busy again.  It's like a dream.

This is a big-time adventure. 

I keep stepping back and watching how everything is lining up and everyone is pulling together to make this happen and I cry regularly out of gratitude.  The plane tickets have been paid for.  The reservations have been made.  The paperwork is being filed.


After last summer and the low blows that the winter dealt me, this all is like a goddamned fairy tale.  I tell myself I deserve it, and while I want to, I can't believe it.  But I'm working at it and I know that deep down I should know that I deserve it.  "It's all ceremony".  Since I started researching Ayahuasca, I heard this phrase over and over by people who had worked with the medicine.  And I had no idea how true and profound that statement would prove to be. The ups and downs and love and surrender and fear and purging.  It's all symbolic for the stuff in our everyday lives.   I don't know if I'm making any sense at all right now.  But that's what it is.  All of this figuring out who we are and what we do and what all of this is.  Because that's all any of us are really doing, right?