Prepare for Landing

Tomorrow is my last full day in Los Angeles for the summer.  Saturday afternoon, I will leave behind the couch, the job, the friends, the beach, the cult, the metro, and the delivery froyo at midnight. 

It's kind of like I got to peek into an alternate universe where I got to see what my life would have been like if I didn't have the responsibilities of a daughter or a dog.  Part of me was scared that I was going to go crazy without having the two of them around.  They take up such a huge portion of my brain, my attention, and my anxiety.  But also... part of me was scared that  I wasn't going to miss them at all, exposing me for the irresponsible parent that I (deep down) assume I am.  What if I felt a new freedom in Hollywood that made me resent my life in the desert and the choices I'd made to get there?  What if I found out that I like my life better without them?  Just the idea of that, the fact that it was an option, made me feel guilty.

So what happened?  Do I miss my family enough to never want to leave again?  Or do I want to write off everything and spend my life selling handmade bracelets on the beach?

Ugh, if only it were that simple.
This is a pattern I keep finding myself in.  I see the possible outcomes in black and white, even though neither of the answers seem to be correct.  I go crazy trying to figure out which one of the options is the right one for me. I roll them around in my head until I finally see the gray area where the truth lives.  That line right in the middle of the yin yang, that Terence McKenna sweet spot, that is where I am truly honest about it all. 

I want to see my kid.  I want to hold her and pull tangles out of her hair and smell her stinky feet.  I want to squish my dog until he gets aggravated and goes to his spot on the arm of the couch.  I appreciate these things now like I never have before.  I know that I can miss my family so much that I feel physical pain.  I know that I am not a shitty parent and that I am connected to them on a deeper level than I knew before. 

I also know that I can leave the things and the people I love for long amounts of time.  I am not afraid of it.  It isn't always easy, but I am adaptable and capable, and that is a really nice thing to find out about myself.  I love California.  I always have.  And living here, even for a bit, was fantastic.  Well, it wasn't quite living here, but it was more than a vacation. 

Tomorrow I will pack up my bags.  I will say goodbye to the ocean.  I will cry buckets of tears for my Charlie.  And on Saturday, I will go back to my own place.  And I will integrate back into the world I am used to with all of the new information I've collected on this adventure.  I will reunite with friends that I've missed terribly and at the same time, I will miss the people I spent time with here. 

I have discovered that I can be happy in alternate versions of my universe.  And I can also be sad at the same time.  Because that is what life is, regardless of where I am or who I am with.

At the end of the day, which one do I want?  Do I want life here or there?

I want both.  I want to have everyone and everything I love in one place.
Since that isn't a possibility... I will just have to fall in love with even more people, explore more places, find new stories.

All of that.
Once I've unpacked and taken a nap with my daughter and my pug.