Tomorrow is my last full day in Los Angeles for the summer. Saturday afternoon, I will leave behind the couch, the job, the friends, the beach, the cult, the metro, and the delivery froyo at midnight.
It's kind of like I got to peek into an alternate universe where I got to see what my life would have been like if I didn't have the responsibilities of a daughter or a dog. Part of me was scared that I was going to go crazy without having the two of them around. They take up such a huge portion of my brain, my attention, and my anxiety. But also... part of me was scared that I wasn't going to miss them at all, exposing me for the irresponsible parent that I (deep down) assume I am. What if I felt a new freedom in Hollywood that made me resent my life in the desert and the choices I'd made to get there? What if I found out that I like my life better without them? Just the idea of that, the fact that it was an option, made me feel guilty.
So what happened? Do I miss my family enough to never want to leave again? Or do I want to write off everything and spend my life selling handmade bracelets on the beach?
Ugh, if only it were that simple.
This is a pattern I keep finding myself in. I see the possible outcomes in black and white, even though neither of the answers seem to be correct. I go crazy trying to figure out which one of the options is the right one for me. I roll them around in my head until I finally see the gray area where the truth lives. That line right in the middle of the yin yang, that Terence McKenna sweet spot, that is where I am truly honest about it all.
I want to see my kid. I want to hold her and pull tangles out of her hair and smell her stinky feet. I want to squish my dog until he gets aggravated and goes to his spot on the arm of the couch. I appreciate these things now like I never have before. I know that I can miss my family so much that I feel physical pain. I know that I am not a shitty parent and that I am connected to them on a deeper level than I knew before.
I also know that I can leave the things and the people I love for long amounts of time. I am not afraid of it. It isn't always easy, but I am adaptable and capable, and that is a really nice thing to find out about myself. I love California. I always have. And living here, even for a bit, was fantastic. Well, it wasn't quite living here, but it was more than a vacation.
Tomorrow I will pack up my bags. I will say goodbye to the ocean. I will cry buckets of tears for my Charlie. And on Saturday, I will go back to my own place. And I will integrate back into the world I am used to with all of the new information I've collected on this adventure. I will reunite with friends that I've missed terribly and at the same time, I will miss the people I spent time with here.
I have discovered that I can be happy in alternate versions of my universe. And I can also be sad at the same time. Because that is what life is, regardless of where I am or who I am with.
At the end of the day, which one do I want? Do I want life here or there?
I want both. I want to have everyone and everything I love in one place.
Since that isn't a possibility... I will just have to fall in love with even more people, explore more places, find new stories.
All of that.
Once I've unpacked and taken a nap with my daughter and my pug.
