The Biggest FUCK YOU I can Muster

       It's been a long time coming, but I have finally forced myself to make peace with this body.  I've been in it for almost 30 years now, and I cannot think of any one time in my life that I was completely happy with it.  Even as a kid.  I could probably blame my dad for calling my mother fat for years.  I could blame it on the media.   I could blame it on all the hot chicks around me.  But in the end, it's my fault for letting myself get caught up in how I am supposed to look.  I've managed to scream "fuck you" to a lot of things, but I couldn't say it to my poor body image.  Until now. 

      For years I've concentrated on how my thighs and stomach stick out and how my chest never does.  My boobs were "too low" or "too small" and my nose is "huge" from being broken seven times.  I have crooked pinkies and a big butt. It's always been this way.  And you know what?  It's always going to be this way.  The truth is, I have dieted my way down to 92 pounds and my nose was STILL too big for my liking and my thighs still touched and my ass still stuck out.  At 92 pounds I didn't get to eat when I was hungry and I still hated the way I looked.  So fuck that.

           I'm learning to embrace all the things I formerly hated about myself.  No, I can't love them all yet, but I can begin to accept them.  I'm almost thirty.  Hating yourself isn't cute anymore.  So I'm starting here.  I've teamed up with some friends who are a part of the body positive movement and a huge inspiration.  If you follow my Instagram, you can find my more recent photos, celebrating my body, my brain, and the things that I love about myself.  And the best part is- showing support to other people makes loving myself easier.  It's amazing. I can see the beauty in so many other women and their bodies that I can see why they may find me beautiful.  That's amazing.

   So no more diets.   Granted, my vegan diet does not count.  I will continue to try and eat well, for my health and because it makes me happy.  I didn't go vegan with Gren to lose weight.  We did it to feel better and make our bodies happy.  In turn, we help the earth and we can eat without harming animals.  It would be illogical and, well, mean, to stop.  But if I want to eat a lot in a day or go have a Tsoynami at my favorite vegan bakery downtown, I will quit worrying about how my belly will look afterwards.   I will not count calories.  I will not make deals with myself just to eat something that I want.  I never kept them anyway.

         And no more exercising just for the sake of losing weight.  I will work out when I want to, and I will do it to have fun and feel good.  I will only do exercises that I enjoy.  If I don't want to run on the treadmill, then fuck that goddamn treadmill.  Fuck it up its stupid ass.  If I want to yoga, I'm going to yoga.  And I won't worry that I'm not burning calories like I would if I were running.  As silly as it is, I really like Zumba at my gym, so I have been going to it.  I sweat a lot, but more than anything, I feel stronger afterwards and it is ridiculously fun.  The hardest part is not weighing myself at the gym, but I'm doing alright so far.

     The biggest thing: I will replace all the energy I used to spend on hating my body on LOVING it.  It is healthy and alive and it is the only one I have.  I don't believe in an afterlife or reincarnation or any of that.  So this is it.  I need to treat this body with respect.  And while some people see my tattoos and hanging from hooks disrespectful, I do not.  I find it beautiful.  I think starving and overworking my body is much more detrimental.   And especially after going through pregnancy, extreme weight loss and gain and more recently, a hysterectomy, I owe my body a lot more respect than I've been giving it.  This thing is a badass healing machine!

         I will find peace with myself, even the parts I hate.  And I will concentrate on taking care of myself and others.  After all, that is what makes me feel good.  I try every day to make sure the people I love know that I love them.  And I try to tell a stranger that he or she is beautiful or smart or fun or something like that.  It's not as hard as it seems.  It either makes their day or makes them nervous, and to be honest, either way it's fun.

  And as it turns out?  Hating your body takes up a LOT of time.  It's all you think about once you get in that mindset.  We even use it as a distraction.  How many people can admit to focusing on weight loss when we should have been focusing on or marriages or our kids or our goals?  I can think of at least three people I know right now who fit in that category, myself included.  So, maybe you can, too.

      Here is my new start.  With a disclaimer: I know I'll slip.  I'll call myself "fat", I'll get the urge to weigh myself compulsively.  I'll find myself feeling guilty when I eat something unhealthy.   I'm human.  But I am working on becoming a better human.  And I can't do that if all I can think about is the size of my legs.   I can't focus on making people feel good if I don't feel good.  Being healthy is feeling good.  Being worried about my size is not good.  Here it is.  My big "FUCK YOU" to my former body image.  And if you would like to join me in my big "FUCK YOU" to your own low self-worth, I would be super delighted.  You can text me bopo images or inspiration or just ask me to tell you you're wonderful when you feel down.   I'm gay for it.  You can also follow me on Instagram @bonanza_jellybean.    You can especially come and talk to me in my salon chair.  It's not only shameless self-promotion, it's also where I spend 40 hours a week.

  In the meantime, take care of yourself and others.  In the words of Kevin Smith: In this life, if you don't celebrate yourself, nobody will.

Day 1 of self-love.  Bald and determined.