I've been back from Hollywood for over a month now. I'm back to my job and my kid and my dog and the desert. It feels good to be back, at least for now. I wasn't expecting that at all, to be honest. I was gone for three months, which, as it turns out, is the amount of time it takes me to REALLY miss my family and having a place of my own. By the end of it, I was looking at photos of my apartment almost as often as I was looking at photos of my daughter.
I miss lots of things about LA. The lack of responsibilities was altogether new to me, and while I didn't party like a rock star, I got to do a lot of whatever I felt like doing at the time. A lot of what I felt like doing was getting crazy stoned and taking iPhone photos of Hollywood. I also got to spend hours binge-watching Community with my temporary roommate (and permanent friend), Alex. I couldn't have asked for a better host, especially in a tiny one-bedroom LA apartment. It gave me a lesson in living with somebody. When I was at the end of my marriage, I felt like I could never live with anyone ever again (not counting the kid and the dog, obviously), so giving up my apartment for a fold-out couch and a shelf in the bathroom was like flipping my world on its end. By the end of the summer, Alex and I were still friends, even better friends, I'd say, than we started. We dealt with our fair share of heat waves, food poisoning, depressive episodes, and cramped quarters with flying colors. That said, I was definitely ready to have my multi-colored incense-filled Sophie space back.
I got to spend time with my Charlie, the first real time spent with him in three years. It makes my stomach tighten up even thinking about how I have to live apart from him again, so I won't talk a lot about it. He's the only male that I have let into my life that I can still trust not to break my heart, and we are gonna wind up retiring by the sea like Grace and Frankie. It's less of a cruel joke and more of a hilarious plot twist that my soulmate is a sassy, video game playing gay man.
Other than that... this summer is almost over, and it is time to direct my attention back to the present. At this time, I am at the tail end of Ayahuasca dieta. This is always the hardest part- giving up the things I love to eat (and smoke) for weeks to prepare for ceremony. Upon returning from Hollywood, I felt the need to take my medicine. I will sit in sacred circle this Saturday, and I will meet with Mother again. She's been sending me blatant signs and synchronicities, and I am excited and terrified to see what is in store, especially after the ego death I experienced on mushrooms last June. That was my last entheogenic experience, and I was processing it for months. These psychedelic experiences have taken me down rabbit holes within rabbit holes, and I am discovering more about myself and this planet every time I journey. I feel less like a human, especially with the state of humanity at the moment. But I know that I had to come here, for reasons that were explained to me last October. And being human isn't all bad. There is a lot of beauty in it, even when it's painful. And the fact that it's temporary leaves it more poetic and silly than it is heartbreaking.
I don't know what is next, and that usually leaves me feeling restless. But I'm not. At least, not yet.
