I have this thing, I'm...busy. I always have to be doing something. It's this constant need to be working at something. If I had one true calling, one passion, one art form or skill that I could really focus my energy on, this would be great. But I don't. I throw myself into one thing after another, in this obsessive cycle of whatever is next. If you know me (which, if you're reading this, you probably do) you're probably just rolling your eyes because this is no new revelation. It's textbook me. If it's not one thing it's another. If it's not stand up comedy, it's a plant-based diet. If it's not donating a kidney, it's Peruvian plant medicines. It's rearranging the lives of the people around me so I can spend a summer in Hollywood.
I don't hate that this is the way I am. I used to. I used to beat myself up a lot for not buckling down and focusing instead of flying from task to task like a hummingbird on Adderall. But that's not the way I am programmed. Every time I try to stick it out, I become miserable. I don't have a competitive spirit. I have a lot of different interests. And these things are okay. There's a really good TED Talks that covers this, a lot more eloquently than I can.
On the other hand, I do realize that even though it's not in my nature to throw myself into one project or cause for more than a few years, I also need to give myself time to have fun, to be still, and to process these lessons as I learn them. It's hard for me to stay present when I am constantly asking myself, what's next? Over the summer, I've found myself focusing about wanting to move to Hollywood for good. I focus on finding a roommate and a work schedule so my daughter can be here with me. I focus on what I'm going to do in Arizona if I don't move here once my lease is up. And then there is all this work I am doing on myself. I've been dabbling on the idea of giving myself a year to live. Not literally of course, but spending one full year living as if it were my last. I was introduced to the practice a couple of years ago, and I've been reading up on it. It is something that I definitely want to do in the future, but it's something that I really want to put my all into, and maybe this summer isn't the time for me to do that...
It's balance, and for me, it's really slippery. My curiosity is one of the things I love the most about myself, and without having something to throw myself into, I become sad and complacent. There is so much to do, and I've got so far to go. But if I keep so busy that I don't take time to smell the roses and appreciate what I have and how far I've come, I build up all of this emotional residue that builds up and creates problems later.
*sigh*
What's a girl to do?
At the moment, I'm not making ANY plans to move or to not move. I'm honoring the thoughts around them, but I'm not going to set anything into motion yet. And I am going to try to live mindfully, for sure, but maybe I'll give myself a proverbial year to live sometime after this summer. I have one month left in Hollywood. I have three days left until my birthday. And while I know that I have a lot of decisions to make and a lot of work to do...maybe I spend my days taking care of myself and doing things I enjoy, because I'm starting to believe that is why I came here.
With all of this, I will say that I have done a LOT of amazing stuff these past two months, even with all of this internal conflict...
I've seen movies in the park
I've eaten a LOT
I've started doing yoga (almost) daily
I've learned to live with way less shit
I made some friends
I walk EVERYWHERE
I saw fireworks on the beach
I've been on hikes
I ate some ice cream
I went to the Science Center and saw the Endeavor
I joined a cult started by a former teen heart throb
I worked
I rode some roller coasters
Griffith Observatory
Harmontown
More ice cream
Flea Markets
UCB shows
It's been amazing. It will continue to be amazing. And right now, that is enough. And I truly do feel that it is, despite what the Adderall-ridden hummingbird leads me to believe. Right now it's balance, the same lesson learned over and over again.
It's remembering to have fun because while doing the work is good, I have to take it easy, too. I can't love someone that I don't have fun with, and that includes myself.
I'm going to set my intention right now for gratitude and not taking things too damned seriously. I hope you're having a fantastic day, and I hope you find silliness and joy where you can. Namaste, homies.
